Your Second Marriage as Good as You Hoped it Would Be

Dear Emily, I am starting to resent that I fell in love with and married a guy that puts all of his energy into fighting his custody legal battle and raising his daughter. I feel like all I have for love and kindness is my puppy, and he believes I am weird for giving the dog attention like that. I am broken-hearted. Help! "Janice"

Dear "Janice", Your resentment are comprehendable, and you are not by yourself. To me it seems like your relationship with your spouse has shifted significantly since you two chose to become engaged, and that your dissatisfaction is getting so big that you can not tolerate it.

I would love to offer you a couple thoughts to your suffering that you could begin to use soon, and see if the outcomes you receive are opposite than what you are experiencing now.

1. Are you familiar with the idea that "what you resist will persist"? If you are using the majority of your energy and time to focus on the things that are bad in your relationship and what you are sad about, it is very possible that you will see more of things that you DON'T wish to see; and keep seeing the outcomes you are wanting to avoid. The cure here is to start looking at what is CORRECT about your relationship. This may be difficult to do once you start, because you are so depressed. Something as simple as "He comes to the house every night and goes to bed in our bed." Or "He makes sure the car is filled with gas." . . . See if you may begin to examine all the ways he shows his commitment to you and to his family.

2. Create an "attitude of gratitude". Criticizing is not a habit that gets us what we want. When we complain, we are pointing out to the person everything that they are not doing correctly and how they are failing as a partner, a provider, a spouse. This does not necessarily make him want to be you want him to be. In fact, he will begin to feel so dissapointed and think that {whatever he does will never be as good as you want it to be and so he will just give up|no matter what he does it won't be good enough, that he'll just stop trying|. Why trouble when all that will happen is that he gets told "not enough,could have been better, too little'" . The antidote to criticizing is to begin feeling grateful and to openly tell him all the ways he is good enough. You will be astonished at the outcome. It is advancing the seeing another step and showing with a heart full of gratitude everything that you notice . If you do this, the more you'll find things to be grateful for - it can be quite magical! Also, you may become very creative in the ways that you show your heart full of gratitude. One spouse began placing little post-it notes of gratitude around the home, so he'd see them as he shaved, as he got his keys, as he opened his brief case. Another wife left a voice mail message talking about her gratitude to him at his business. You know the ways he most easily takes in recognition - is it through what he hears, sees, or what's done with him?

3. See how you may be adding to the problems. How are you acting that could keep him away from you? Are you whining? Are you withdrawn? Are you unreceptive to his advances? Are you jealous? Take stock and notice what patterns you may have that get in the way of you receiving his love and attention. The greatest cure for not getting everything you want is to begin giving what you want to somebody you think you should get it from AND to you! Stop waiting for him to come and wonder ways you may start coming in a way that is different. And START awarding yourself what you are wanting. Sounds like you are using the dog to get some of your affection needs met - but not including the person you love. Is there a way to include him as well? Is there a way to offer him that level of affection too?

One pattern that might be in play between the two of you is something called "Passing the Experience". Just as you see him giving all of his attention and affection to his daughter, that's what you may be doing with the dog. Both of you are getting your needs met with someone/something else, instead of reaching out to your spouse. And chances are there's so much disappointment in the middle of both of you that reaching out may be a bit too scary or challenging to do on your own!

I'm also interested about how old his daughter is, and how you were feeling about life when you were the age that she is. Perhaps if you take a fraction of your time to go back to her age in your thoughts, you might receive some insights into the reason that you are particularly triggered by his love to her.

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Emily Bouchard, has over 18 years of experience in working with children and families to deal with problems. Emily is also a loving stepmother to two young women who were teenagers when she entered their lives. She publishes a free Blended Family newsletter. For a unique copy of this article for your website visit Second Marriage Bad.